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Dream Diary

September 3, 2020

I dreamed that my roommate had Covid.

August 29, 2020

I dreamed I went to visit a trans/third-gender Amish girl who was working in the fields uprooting plants. She said she was a Kathoey, (or something like that). She said that people like her pricked their fingers on a spinning wheel when they were young, which used to decide their "master" but now decides their husband. They all specialized in a craft. Hers was robotics, which she was allowed to do, but only with ethically-sourced parts. She said she had never had sex because the bishops were nervous about anal sex and disease spreading into their community, and she had to keep her sexuality on the down-low. I later told her on some kind of online forum that I wanted to go on a date. She LOLed at that but said she wanted to get married, depending on the quality of my health insurance.

The possibility of finding love seems so remote and so desirable that this ridiculous dream feels more realistic, and I was sad when I woke up and realize it was not real. There is not a third gender in Amish culture, and I will not be asking anyone for a date or marrying them. I'm too anxious to get close to anyone, and it's not as if anyone would want a non-passing trans woman anyway.

August 17, 2020

I dreamed that I was trying to change the gender marker on my passport to F, so a cop groped me and then determined that I wasn't female enough for it. However, he said I might be able to mark me as genderqueer, but he wasn't sure what genderqueer people look like.

June 2, 2020

I dreamed that I was trying to board a plane, and the security officer said “Ma’am, there’s something wrong with your genitals. They're hanging down in your pants,” then he took me aside and pulled down my pants. He looked surprised, and adjusted my tuck, and then let me go and board the plane.

May 19, 2020

I dreamed that I was at some sort of get-together with my family and a bunch of friends, and we were watching an incredibly long kid's movie about mesoamerican civilization. Later I got into a relationship with the concertmaster from my junior high orchestra, who was also trans. She was much taller than me and picked me up so we could look at each other eye-to-eye.

Also, I went looking for some miniaturized compies of the state and federal constitutions, and did some kind of poetry that involved reversing the order of letters in words.

May 10, 2020

I dreamed that I was in Paris, and I had a partner-in-crime who was a French boy and also a Native American girl. We had a plot to steal all the garbage in a dumpster, and my rich grandfather said he'd give each of us $2000 if we did it (but if we didn't it would go to charity). But to steal it, I had to leave my backpack that had my computer and all my money and clothes right by the dumpster while I left to have a car race with the valedictorian from my High School, so it ended up being stolen. Then We went to visit this cavern which was a Native American spiritual location, but had recently been turned into a mine because it contained red gems with gold dust on them. For some reason I was naked except for a pair of boy's swimtrunks, which didn't have pockets so I couldn't smuggle out any gems. Eventually we snuck into the mine director's house. It turned out that she was part of my extended family and there was a picture of her family together with mine. She was also a big disney fan and one floor of her house had nothing but Little Mermaid decorations. Then my partner and I had to get back to the dumpster real fast. In this dream, French people get around by sliding around on their tongues. But we had to go through this building at my university that was under construction, and all thegates were broken, so we had to go around the long way.

May 5, 2020

I've decided to merge my dreams journal into my diary. It's not like anyone reads either of them. Dreams will be styled like this.

Last night's dreams had a bunch of stuff:

May 2, 2020

I dreamed that I was trying to join the Knights Templar. To do it, I had to buy a sword, and to afford it, I would have to kill my rich grandfather for inheritance. I would also have to fool my French teacher for some reason, because I would need to drop out of French and switch into the Knights Templar course.

I was worried that they wouldn't accept me because I'm a woman, but I learned that they took trans women, and for some reason I didn't find this extremely offensive. I also learned that they already had a trans female member, who was an anime girl who had a very hissy voice.

May 1, 2020

I’m not actively suicidal right now – I don’t even know how I’d kill myself if I were – but I don’t see any value in living the rest of my life.

In middle school I decided not to kill myself because I wanted to experience college before I died. I figured that I’d die sometime in my mid-20s. Well, now I’m graduating (supposing that I pass Calculus), and my younger self seems surprisingly prescient. People ask me about my plans for life after college, but I don’t have any because I don’t really want to have a life after college.

I decided to major in computer science even though I was never good at math or science to begin with – I just liked the power that being able to code seemed to give me. But without math skills I’ll never accomplish anything important in the field, and that basically cuts off academia as an option.

So I guess need to get a job, and programming is the only thing I’m remotely capable of. But pretty much every company that hires programmers is either evil (like Google/Facebook/Amazon/Uber/Palantir) or useless (like Slack/MongoDB/Every single VC-Funded Startup). So, not much to look forward to.

Not that long ago I was thinking of moving to France – I’d probably have to go to grad school to get a visa, but it would at least be cheap over there and I could probably get through a master’s degree. But when I think about it more, it seems ridiculous. I can barely handle simple adult interactions in English – sometimes I can’t do stuff as simple as ordering food. So moving someplace where my language skills are only so-so would just be asking for trouble. So I’ll have to stay in this rotten country with no culture or public transportation or vacation time. Oh, and it’s probably going to be ruled by the dumbest person on earth for another four years since the democratic nominee seems to have given up on campaigning.

My transition feels like a complete failure. Estrogen has done very little over almost four years – it took away some muscle, gave me boobs that are invisible under a light sweatshirt, and maybe filled filled out my cheeks by a few cubic millimeters. Oh, and it killed my sex drive and made the skin on my ass wrinkly. I’m too anxious to do almost anything that would make me feel more feminine. I dress super androgynous and I never wear makeup because I’m afraid of messing up with it.

I'm twenty-fucking-one and I'm on an anti-androgen and finasteride, but I'm still experiencing male-pattern baldness.

Lately I’ve been more sad than usual about how I’ll probably never have a partner. Having started progesterone probably has something to do with it – I’ve been craving for affection more than ever. But as a non-passing trans woman with extreme social anxiety, no one would want me, and even if they did and I didn't end up running away from it, I don't think I’m psychologically healthy enough to handle being in a relationship in the first place.

April 30, 2020

I dreamed that I was asked to be a teacher's assistant for Computer Graphics, but it was a problem because I wasn't in school anymore.

April 29, 2020

I dreamed that my older brother came home, and my younger brother came out as trans, and we all got guns, but we had an argument about whether we should have more than one each—I said that we shouldn't. My parents also realized that they couldn't call us "the boys" anymore, so we tried to come up with a name for the three of us. I suggested "the squad," but that suggestion wasn't popular because we could be confused with Alexandria Occasio Cortez, Ilhan Omar, et. al.

I also had a separate dream that I don't remember very clearly but which ended with a big reveal where the person killing everyone (or was it protecting everyone?) turned out to be Medusa in disguise, and she had some sympathetic motivation like trying to teach everyone some sort of lesson.

April 28, 2020

I don't remember my dreams very often, but I've heard that recording them can make it easier as you go on. And I happen to remember last night's dream, so let's give this a try.

I dreamed that I was writing a review of Diary of a Wimpy Kid to post on Neocities. The contents of the review was pretty much the same as one that I wrote for my school's library website back when I was part of the target demographic for those books. My main complaint was that with the sequels, Greg has been in middle school for at least four years, even though in the US, middle school usually only lasts three years.